a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
