Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
