so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Brb crying the tears of my youth
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
