Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
