Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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