god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
