Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
then he tried to convert me to islam
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
