I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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