I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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