there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize