Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
