when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
