all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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