Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
