my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
