Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
