she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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