Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
