I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
