Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
