now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
