So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
