we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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