He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize