i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
