You don't have asthma, your pregnant
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
