Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
