I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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