Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
