I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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