I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
