Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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