Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
