I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
