I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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