Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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