Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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