i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
