Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
