I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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