Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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