I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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