The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
