I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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