Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
