spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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