just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
