Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
