I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize