I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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