she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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