Soap is not a condiment
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
