now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Sext me about skeletons
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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