are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
