Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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