The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
