I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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