I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
