I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize