Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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