Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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