Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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