I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
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