just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
