I'm really into asian looking animals
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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