ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
