i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Michael Bay diarrhea
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
