Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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