"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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